i noticed my blog appears very pessimistic.
unfortunately, it is due to my poor expressing of what I think.
most of this stems from me finding life meaningless. life in the abstract sense. as in, i don't feel meaningless when i'm eating good food. i don't feel meaningless when i am in good company. i don't feel it when my mind is distracted that is. when i'm not distracted, it merely means i'm not thinking of anything else. it doesn't mean i'm at the state of oneness with myself. it just means my mind wanders back to thinking about things philosophical. perhaps, by this definition, not being distracted is the state of thinking philosophically. finding, also doe not mean that i've found it as if there was an end point. i have not made up my mind. i don't think it is neccessary either. we're always looking. i don't want to jump the gun and say i've decided on one way of thinking especially when i've not even uncovered most of it. or at least i think i haven't. maybe that is all there is to it and i have already found most of it. now it becomes some abstract thing. if i jump ahead of myself, i would need to find an authority on the subject i'm inclined to to follow. i would probably do so by choosing one philosophical category, or one philosopher, or one idea, or one religion, and following it. it would seem artificial to me. i could be exposed. and meaningless. it comes with negative associations. it seems like meaningless is a dreadful, empty and demoralizing feeling. a way of life or a view of life as meaningless seems to mean that everything is so sad and disconnected. but finding life meaningless doesn't just mean that. it just means finding no answers and no models to describe the world without other models also being capable of doing so. it just means that there are so mnay answers and ultimately maybe no answer. it just brings up the absurdity of life. the meaninglessness. there is just nothing. it is not sad. it is not wrong. it is not spite. life is still good without meaning. maybe better. i don't know how to express it in words. i can only throw big words. existentialism. absurdity. nihilism. maybe i don't know the full meaning of the words yet, but existentialism seems about right.

meaninglessness brings about the question: why be good?
this too does not mean that we should be bad. it more inclines to asking if good exists. if bad exists. why smile doesn't mean i should never smile or that i should frown. even if there is no meaning in life, it does not seem reason enough to commit suicide. even if there is no reason to smile, it doesn't seem reason to not smile. if we are animals, having evolved, and being no different from dogs in terms of whether we should have a higher spirtitual innate moral code, then when wondering why be good, i notice that my dog seems good. he might kill a rat if he saw one, but i consider that not a bad thing. i'm not much different from my dog. i can't wait to go back home and observe my dog. to spend time with it. i'm looking forward to learning a whole lot from it.