dostoevsky hits the spot, only on my second read. at 23 years old. gosh. didn't understand a thing the first time when i was what...19? and college students in the US are 19 at the start. they are way smarter than i am. or maybe it's just the times. maybe now is the time to read it cos of the ideas floating in my nearby society. i guess most knowledge is experience. u can't just learn them. they will be empty.

quotes:

...he solemnly declared in argument that there was nothing in the whole world to make men love their neighbours. That there was no law of nature than man should love mankind, and that, if there had been any love on earth hihero, it was not owing to a naural law, but simply because men have believed in immortality. Ivan Fyodorovitch added in arenthesis that the whole natural law lies in that faith, and that if you to destroy in mankind the belief in immortality, not only love but every living force maintaining the life of the world would at once be dried up. Moreover, nothing then would be immoral, everything would be lawful, even cannilalism. Thats not all. He ended by asserting that for every individual, like ourselves, who does not believe in God or immortality, the moral law of nature must immediately be changed into the exact contrary of the former religious law, and that egoism, even to crime, must become, not only lawful but even recognised as the inevitable, the most rational, even honourable outcome of his position.

...the more I love humanity in general, te less I love man in particular. In my dreams, I have often come to making enthusiastic schemes for the service of humanity, and perhaps I might actually have faced crucifixion if it had been suddenly necessary; and yet I am incapable of living in the same room with any one for two days together, as I know by experince. As soon as any one is near me, his personality disturbs my self complacency and restricts my freedom...But it has always happened that the more I detest men individually the more ardent becomes my love fo humanity.

i noticed my blog appears very pessimistic.
unfortunately, it is due to my poor expressing of what I think.
most of this stems from me finding life meaningless. life in the abstract sense. as in, i don't feel meaningless when i'm eating good food. i don't feel meaningless when i am in good company. i don't feel it when my mind is distracted that is. when i'm not distracted, it merely means i'm not thinking of anything else. it doesn't mean i'm at the state of oneness with myself. it just means my mind wanders back to thinking about things philosophical. perhaps, by this definition, not being distracted is the state of thinking philosophically. finding, also doe not mean that i've found it as if there was an end point. i have not made up my mind. i don't think it is neccessary either. we're always looking. i don't want to jump the gun and say i've decided on one way of thinking especially when i've not even uncovered most of it. or at least i think i haven't. maybe that is all there is to it and i have already found most of it. now it becomes some abstract thing. if i jump ahead of myself, i would need to find an authority on the subject i'm inclined to to follow. i would probably do so by choosing one philosophical category, or one philosopher, or one idea, or one religion, and following it. it would seem artificial to me. i could be exposed. and meaningless. it comes with negative associations. it seems like meaningless is a dreadful, empty and demoralizing feeling. a way of life or a view of life as meaningless seems to mean that everything is so sad and disconnected. but finding life meaningless doesn't just mean that. it just means finding no answers and no models to describe the world without other models also being capable of doing so. it just means that there are so mnay answers and ultimately maybe no answer. it just brings up the absurdity of life. the meaninglessness. there is just nothing. it is not sad. it is not wrong. it is not spite. life is still good without meaning. maybe better. i don't know how to express it in words. i can only throw big words. existentialism. absurdity. nihilism. maybe i don't know the full meaning of the words yet, but existentialism seems about right.

meaninglessness brings about the question: why be good?
this too does not mean that we should be bad. it more inclines to asking if good exists. if bad exists. why smile doesn't mean i should never smile or that i should frown. even if there is no meaning in life, it does not seem reason enough to commit suicide. even if there is no reason to smile, it doesn't seem reason to not smile. if we are animals, having evolved, and being no different from dogs in terms of whether we should have a higher spirtitual innate moral code, then when wondering why be good, i notice that my dog seems good. he might kill a rat if he saw one, but i consider that not a bad thing. i'm not much different from my dog. i can't wait to go back home and observe my dog. to spend time with it. i'm looking forward to learning a whole lot from it.

some good times. enjoyable times. and then back to daily life. don't want to re-merge back into this stream. this stream that i just let myself float on, drifting drifting to nowhere. nothing new. no movement outside my comfort. afraid. still the same thing as last week, last month. last year. meaningless life. at a young age, the focus was all on me. parents attention. praises. you were a kid after all. now, you see everyone has the same experiences. everyone is the main star. of a show. whose show. is anyone watching your show? lost in the crowd. become one of many. identity? stop searching. no point, too narcissistic. does not feel good. thousands of people have graduated from Harvard. from MIT. from wherever. 23. going to 24. some want a photo of themselves. Facebook it. look at it. hobbies? for what? to spend your time. to kill your time. to kill yourself. you only have so much time after all. haven't accomplished anything today? why accomplish something. what difference does it make to others. are you a star. are you rich. money talks. love is just a feeling. feelings of freefall on a roller coaster. feelings of excitment. do i just come down to science? why should i care about you. religion. sin. morality. what are they. social constructs. just. just...what. las vegas is awesome.